Retooling

Today I overheard my boss talking about me in negative tones at work to another colleague. Nothing inflammatory, just an indication that my boss thought I wasn't coping and didn't enjoy working with me.

A problem I have is that I really don't know how to behave at work. I don't grasp how others perceive me naturally and I don't instinctively know what is an appropriate action. I think that some people do know this. I think that others need to work at it. I am one that needs to work at it.

It's considerable effort on a daily basis to keep engaged and thinking about these social cues and to just be around all these complicated and unpredictable (by me) people. I have adjusted my working hours as much as I can get away with so I don't overlap with others so much so I end up working weekends and evenings as a coping mechanism.

I've been told that I need to ask for help more from other people. And so I started doing this. I asked for help. And as soon as I started to ask for it, I found myself defending why I was asking for help and unable to cope by myself. Silence was better.

I have been told that I need to delegate. So I try. But people don't do as I ask. I try honey to get them to do what I want but that doesn't get me far. I try to be nasty. But that's worse. I get nowhere and I get hated.

I think it doesn't help that I have no role models of worth. This is the first time I have felt the lack of female figures in my work life. I fear that when I try to apply a male's management tool in work life, it doesn't have the same effect. Maybe I am overthinking this and it doesn't matter my gender. But I fear it.

My male role models however bitch and moan at each other constantly. They engage in shouting matches. And it is through the butting of heads that they get to a resolution.

And by trying to apply this lesson, I seem to have incited criticism from someone I thought I could trust. He keeps his office door open and has a loud voice. I happened to be in the corridor waiting for a meeting room to become free. When I first heard him mention my name I thought to let him know how loud he was being but as soon as I heard what he was saying, I fled. I maybe didn't fully understand the full context. But it doesn't matter. It's a wake up call. What I am doing isn't working.

But I am at a loss as to what to do instead.