The Importance of Being
I know that no one cares about this or it would have drawn some comment on the Board but I put things here that I want to keep, to look at and refer back to. So just ignore it as you did before.
During drama class for GCSE, there was an improvisation where half the class watched the other half act out a scene where they had all gathered for lunch. The first half to improvise were teenagers at school. The second half were the parents of the teenagers. The second improvisation was quite clever and interesting because they took what they saw in the teenager's conversations and built upon them. Either as persceptive parents who worried for their children or an parents oblivious to the damage they were causing. But I was in the teenage scene. And for me, the interest wasn't in how well the scene was executed. In fact, it was quite poorly done but that told me a lot. What happened was was that regardless of what ideas about character we took to the improvisation, we ended up just being ourselves. I attempted to get "in" with the "in crowd" but attempts to engage them, make jokes and comment on their stories were met with snide comments, bullying and then I was just plain ignored. I wish now that I had done something different than merely "try" to be "in". That wasn't changing my character at all- that was just being someone who didn't know attempts were doomed to failure. What I should have done was used the f word. I should have sworn my bloody mouth and not cared at all for the consequences. I wonder what would have happened if I had. If I had done something so daring, so not me. If I had called such great attention to myself. I doubt I would have lived it down in the long-term actually. It would have been a source of ridicule. But it would have been different at least.
posted by keppet @ 12:18 AM
12 Comments:
Actually, I have been thinking about this quite a bit. One of the things I was thinking about was how you said acting that way wasn't changing your character, and I was wondering what would have happened if you had been "Keppet" instead. Internet Keppet is someone who says and does what she wants, who doesn't care what others think of her, who doesn't go out of her way to sugarcoat something that needs to be said but doesn't try to be hurtful, either. From bits and pieces of things I've read over the years, though, I get the impression that you don't see your RL self that way-- or not entirely that way all the time.
You made me think about what parts of our personalities we have but don't show, or don't show easily, or can show in some situations but not in others. What is "really" you? Can you say that any one persona is really you, or that others aren't you? It's not as if your (and by "you" I mean "anyone") Work Self is completely made up, even if Work Self is different than Friend Self, or Internet Self, or Family Self.
I wasn't ignoring. I just had too much. As it is, I've just glossed the surface of what I've been thinking about since you posted about that exercise.
Rian remember thinking hard about it, also.
But Rian was thinking "I wonder if we get trapped in our personas early on and canna get out no matter how hard we try..."
i.e. Little Keppet was shy and so Adult Keppet must also be. Do we ever struggle out of those premade labels?
The internet seems to help. As emano said.
And I think the 'ignoring' would probably be mostly my fault for instantly engaging you in two pages of banter which scared everyone else off.
I was frightened by the banter. 'Tis true.
Can (Do) the "premade labels" become, I don't know, habit? Until one can't easily act another way than the one they are used to? I saw a show (OK, it was a Nickelodeon show my kids were watching, but it's relevant) where a new girl at the junior high (12-14 years old) was scaring everyone because she was so tough. Finally, she told the boy she had scared into being her boyfriend that this was her third new school in 2 years, and that every time she moved she tried a different personality. Tough Bernice, Retro Bernice, Ditzy Bernice...
So, how much of persona is because of us, and how much is what others expect? What if Keppet became disenchanted with Spiderman? What if Rian started using personal pronouns? Would there be an outcry?
WOULD there be an outcry if I started using personal prounouns when speaking to you all?
...I think that certain labels are (perhaps mistakenly) given to us as children and they stick. We do not know how to find our way free.
But then again, is not Highschool entirely about trying on different aspects of ourselves?
...bigfho. I think I am insulted, Keppet.
I am waiting for someone who knows RL me to come to my defence against emano's rather wussy idea of who I am.
I think I am me in all circumstances. As far back as I can remember, I was me. I may act differently in different circumstances and with different people but I do not act as not-me.
It is odd how much I pride myself on being me and yet at the same time lament not being able to be someone else.
(Er... not as in Rian's husband. Though he does have a basement of comics so being him would be fun for a while.)
I did not say you were a wuss. [checks back] "not entirely that way all the time." I didn't even say that you weren't like that, but that I got the impression you don't always see yourself that way.
Does that mean that you think the Keppet description *was* accurate for RL you?
Keppet is not a 'wuss'. Ye gods, look at all the non-wussly things she has done in her life already.
If Rian had to describe Keppet's non-physical Self, I think I would use 'self contained'.
So I will happily, if somewhat belatedly* confirm that you are not, in fact, a wuss in real life. In fact, the description of you on the internet sounds quite like the real-life you, although some things are easier to express on the internet because the medium is different and communication happens over different timescales - it's another example of the phenomenon that leads to the implausibly clever dialog you often find in novels. Obviously other things are harder to express in an essentially textual medium too.
So, returning to the original drama incident, I would note that, by trying to engage the popular kids in the context of the play, you were challenging them to act and not just be themselves. I can't imagine that you actually spent your entire school career trying to get with the in-crowd, so I would say that they failed to meet your challenge. Of course you could have taken a risk in the name of "art" and played the foul-mouthed rebel, but you're bright enough to see the cost/benefit of that isn't great, especially if the school took the line that being offensive, even in the guise of a dramatic characterisation, is unacceptable behavior. Some boats just aren't worth rocking just for the sensation of swaying.
*You didn't fix your feed :)
Plus we know you don't want to fall in the water.
I would say you appear rather different in real life from on the internet (metaphysical appear obviously as in real life you don't have a knife and a teddy bear...oh no wait...), but you're certainly the same person. You don't change, you are just a different volume. Kinda.
The feed is fine! I didn't correct the old MS Word screwed up entry due to laziness but the recent feeds should work. Actually I subscribed to my own feed (which feels a bit egotistical of me) and it looks as it should for this month.
Thanks for the defence- I agree with the comment that timescale is a huge factor in internet-based communication. The lack of back space, preview and edit in RL makes things different. But it doesn't make me different.
I think it is a bit more than "not wanting to rock the boat" (though the comment felt true the first time I read it). I worry a bit that it is plain fear but I think when it comes to it, I define myself in certain ways and take pride in that.
Although I like to be given permission to sway now and again. That is undoubtably my fascination with reading and watching tv. Without the permission though, my pride doesn't let me.
I think I should shut up and let it be... this memory feels important to me and almost defining of my self but I don't think it is telling anyone anything interesting about me that they didn't know already. So now I feel like I have wasted everyone's time... Move along, nothing to see here.
Hmmmmm. I missed the original on the board. I, like Keppet, feel that I am just me. And as the Fool said, we all have facets. In my case I have always felt it to be something of a social weakness to not be very able to put on the right... face? for the occasion. And yet, for me, it always amazed me when people were completely wrong about me. It still happens. I do not hide or dissemble, so why should anybody be mistaken about me?
In your example, yourself trying unsuccessfully to fit it, and wished that you had instead been shocking. Are either of those things really true to you?
I wonder what I would have done in such an excercise. I was prone to pranks as a teenager.....
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