The entrance to hell must be around here somewhere... (Day One Part One)

I hardly slept that night as it was too hot in our little room especially with the incredibly thick duvets and heater I couldn’t work out how to switch off in the dark. When the alarm went, I burrowed down in my bed and denied the morning.

I couldn’t deny it for very long of course. There was much movement downstairs and I eventually argued with my stubborn inner-me that there was breakfast to eat and a meet to attend so I did have to get up. I won and inner-me left the bed in a huff.

I made my tea without giving any cheery morning greetings to the Hobblings already in the kitchen making pancakes. As I put in twice the leaves and let it steep for twice the time, I watched skit fail to toss a pancake. Overloading the next pancake with butter and not making it as thick, she was successful. All the fun and games made me realise that I was not so tired and more excited about the weekend.

We squirted lemon and sprinkled sugar on our pancakes, rolled them up and took them outside. We sat outside the Hayloft eating our breakfast in the early sun and marvelling at the warmth of the November morning. After brushing my teeth, I stood outside the Hayloft some more, watching the chickens and enjoying the peace.

Leaving ten minutes to get to Wookey Hole, we jumped into skit’s car (it definitely needs a name- I will call it the skitmobile for now but we need something more imaginative for official use) and utterly failed to make it there on time. Twenty minutes late, we got out at Wookey Hole cringing, expecting to be berated by punctual Hobblings.

Of course we were the first to arrive. We waited outside the ice cream parlour that doubled up as a ticket office until the dreadfully late and irresponsible Hobblings indy, Blue and Sky made it (about five minutes later).

Indy hung back and let Blue meet us on her own. Having never met Blue before, and Blue having met none of us, it was one of those amusing meetings where we three just looked in silence at the stranger that siddled up to join us, slightly unsure that we were the people she had to spend the day with. “Are you the right people?” she asked or words to that effect because what do you say when off on a daytrip with people from the internet? I don’t think Hobblings do introductions well. We don’t really care for names or occupations or small talk. All we ask for is a little television or book talk and the odd idiosyncrasy to be amused by.

Blue needed her nose cream almost immediately on arrival and then every ten minutes after that.

We got our tickets for the caves and proudly wore our little “paying customer” stickers (which caused much fun later in the day when indy and Blue kept sticking them on each other and I managed to get one on skit’s back for hours before she noticed it). We gathered at the entrance for the next tour and nattered away about this, that and the other. And giant rabbits that lived off the Cheddar cheese.

The tour began just far enough into the cave that the entrance was a glow of daylight far away. The guide was an odd old chap that had cultivated a children-hating irascible old man persona with a penchant for bad puns. He told us how at one end of the narrow cavern the cave dwellers (who I think have been there for around 50 000 years- take that American tourist traps with caves that were occupied 500 years ago…) kept their fire while at the other end they had the entrance. And just beyond the fire was “Hell’s Ladder”.

Anyway, here the witch of Wookey Hole lived and made her evil brews (her scary visage was projected onto the cave wall) though some Hobblings speculated that it wasn’t some random witch after all but Myopia! I do want to distance myself from the insult… I wasn’t the one to start spinning the stories about how evil Myo had hidden all the Flagstone Fresh in our caves and how it was our duty as brave Hobblings to liberate it. I think that was Sky’s story. Yes, I’ll blame her.

So, to bastardise the story of the Wookey Hole witch, the local (mad and possibly electronic) monk caught the evil Myo mixing her evil brew to poison children (that wore trainers- rather specific and not all that common in the Dark Ages but who am I to doubt the word of out guide?). The monk chased her down Hell’s Ladder and into the Witch’s Kitchen where, in a flash of inspiration and an utter lack of respect for the laws of nature, he blessed the water in the cavern and threw it at the witch who turned into stone. A stone that didn’t really look very much like a witch. Feeling vindictive, the monk threw water at her little doggie as well. Just because. Nice monk.

We had to duck low to get into the next chamber (and pass under the “chimney”) which was called the Witch’s Parlour but I like to think of it as the Witch’s Tub with Whirlpool Functionality. Unfortunately the tub only filled every few decades (due to floods) and the whirlpool action was liable to give “rather extreme exfoliation” (said Sky I think… or some other Hobbling). This chamber was also used in an episode of Doctor Who (Fourth Doctor). See- they don’t just use quarries or Cardiff.

We all shuffled onwards, on the look out for any Cybermen that Myo may have kept for her own nefarious purposes. We didn’t expect the attack to be on our sense of smell though. Within seconds, the stored Cheddar cheese knocked us unconscious and Myopia stood over us cackling, “Cheese! Cheese will make them sleepy…” (or something). In a rather less Judy Garland orientated reality, cruel biped (I think.. Hobblings all blur into one in my mind) made us get rather close to the cheese in order to take our photo. It was more horrible than words can describe. No wonder they didn’t bother looking the cage door. Any thief wouldn’t be able to get close enough to steal the cheese. Even with no sense of smell, he wouldn’t be able to get very far without being marked as a biological warfare threat and arrested.

After the cheese, the guide (obviously out of puns) let us meander through the chambers on our little lonesome. I have somehow forgotten to mention the rather unlikely rock formations he pointed out like the elephant with half a trunk or St Paul’s Cathedral but I am sure you’ll forgive me. With no one to make us keep up, skit, biped and I brought up the rear of the pack and became rather snap-happy despite the lack of lighting making photography rather difficult. For some reason we all obeyed the no flash photography rule (it could wake the bats apparently) which demonstrated a lack of fun, I think. On turning a corner, we heard in the distance an evil laugh… I naturally had to return it.

Somehow, despite being obviously at the rear, we acquired someone behind us in the final cavern (where out guide was waiting for us). Suspicious. Cathedral Chamber was huge. We stood on a little balcony (and managed not to throw anyone off it) in awe (well, I was). A bob-bot army could have made a delightful addition to the décor.

Our way out took us through tunnels. We were rather excited about being in real underground tunnels and quite expecting to bump into Australian BAD players at any moment or perhaps a woolly mammoth. Alas it wasn’t to be and the wonderful tunnels turned into concrete lined tunnels with delightful posthistoric graffiti. And then we made it out into the sunlight… without encountering a single clone or depressed man waving an axe. Paint us all a bit disappointed.